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comfortable83
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Name: ♥Lauren Monique
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Cincinnati
Birthday: 6/13/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: living/ loving/ listening/ learning/ laughing/ reading/ talking/ singing/ shopping/ movie-watching/
Expertise: i wish.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
AIM:  comfortable1983
Member Since:
4/12/2003
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| i always forget about this thing.
but xanga has been such a part of my life for years now...and i just keep coming back.
im freezing, and i think after i write for a second i'll go take a warm warm shower.
and maybe sit. and pray.
that sounds nice doesn't it?
i love to look behind me and then look at my feet and see how far i've come.
its impressive, really.
some days can feel so hopeless and you can't possibly see anything bright ahead.
but the sun slowly rises and sheds light on your situation.
and your reality isn't as dark as you thought. in fact, its not dark at all anymore.
my heart is repaired. i mean, there are places that are still raw sometimes, i won't lie.
i was in mourning for awhile. over many things.
and now i'm hopeful. and not really consumed with my past anymore.
preston and i talk often. we both realized we had to completely stop before we could begin again.
the stopping was painful, but the beginning has been so much easier this way.
he is my friend. nothing more, nothing less.
not my best friend. not my boyfriend. just my friend.
its odd to say that and odd to think its even possible to go from those levels to where we are now.
but it is so possible.
i think we're mature enough to realize that we still learn from/appreciate one another.
and instead of being childish and acting like ex's "shouldn't" or "can't" be friends, we transcend.
God is all about restoration and redemption. He has redeemed and restored a friendship I greatly value.
all the more reason to praise Him for who He is.
what a gracious God i serve. He doesn't have to give me things that make me happy- like preston's friendship again- but He does.
i'm going to go shower and pray/read now.
go and love,
-La
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| wow, so i never thought i'd be able to say that.
it really is getting better. and easier. one day at a time.
i've taken a lot of steps towards eliminating him from my life for now. which is ironic because thats the last thing i ever thought i'd be doing. i always thought i'd be getting more of him. never getting rid of him. wow.
he's in nashville now and i have no idea what hes up to. or who hes talking to. or where hes been or what hes seen. hes living all of life without me and is apparently content with that. which makes me sad in so many ways. but i understand him so i know he needs this. thank you Lord i understand.
i don't think its that he doesn't want me around. i think its that he wants to prove he can do everything on his own. this whole transition has got to be crazy for him. hes lived in mount vernon forever and so does his family and he finally left. hes really on his own and i'm sure there are days hes feelin the weight of that. but hes doin it. i'm so proud of him for that. i just wish i could encourage him and cheer him on. i used to be his biggest fan.
i hope he doesn't look for another girl to fill my void (oh i AM a void. ha). i hope he really digs down inside himself and finds all the strength he needs for this time. friends are important, so i do hope he finds community and accountability. but i've learned the opposite sex can be such a distraction from growth. i hope he doesn't try to distract himself. instead, seek the Lord. thats what i've been doing lately and its beautiful. i really love people and i have great friends who listen and give wisdom but there is no one like Jesus. the more i understand His love for me, the more i am content alone.
i'm starting to understand how good all of this is. how im being spared so much confusion and insecurity because preston needed to flourish in nashville alone to make it worth something to him. and if we were still together i'd be so worried that he would find someone better to upgrade to. which is terrible to say, but i would have.
our relationship served purpose. i believe that. our friendship served purpose. i believe that with everything in me. and if it was only for that time, i'll need to accept it and be thankful. because i was changed for the good.
Lord, continue to keep me each day. | | |
| ya know how chris brown said in that song 'With You'
"And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you..."
yeah well. i'd like to tell mr. brown to not forget the thousands of lucky people who are feeling the OPPOSITE right about now.
(sorry i haven't found MY rihanna. geesh.)
man, i know i sure am. tonight has been lonely.
scratch that, reverse it.
days have been lonely. weeks even.
and i hate to use the loss of him as an excuse for anything, but its affected me deeply.
i have never felt this way before. i've never felt a loss so deep in my spirit that i carry it with me all the time.
its not going away. i keep wondering if it ever will. i keep hoping that i'll stop missing him because really, i want to.
really, i don't want it taking away from the life that i live now.
because i DO want to live fully. and i am a complete person without him.
but that doesn't mean that i don't wonder and think that maybe life with him was the kind of life i prefer...
the worst part is that i keep looking for some sort of connection with the opposite sex to replace my connection with him.
do you do that, too?
its terribly unhealthy i feel like. and really unsatisfying.
i'll look through my phone or scroll through facebook and see whose attention i can grab for a little while.
but really i don't want it.
he is all that i want.
but he doesn't want my attention at all right now. and i think this is the first time since i met him that he hasn't. its awful.
sometimes i think that maybe i'm making all of this up.
like, really, no person is THAT important right?
i mean, i know a lot of people with a lot of great qualities.
but there is no one like him. and i know that. and its awful for me to think about life lived without him in it because i just really like who he is and who i am when he's around.
its the best way to live that i've found so far. and now its gone.
i think its good to hope.
i believe that i'll find someone to share life with.
and i believe that they will be just as excited to share life with me as i am with them.
for now i'll just have to share life with many people instead of one main person.
and thats hard for me- i like one-on-one attention.
but i'll try this out for awhile.
i hope it starts to feel less lonely soon.
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| so, apparently, things haven't been as easy on him as i thought.
he's going through a few days right now that have apparently been rough.
well bless his heart.
okay, that was kind of sarcastic. but really, i love him, and i don't want him to hurt.
i just keep thinking...well welcome to the past 3 weeks of my life.
i don't understand the way he thinks really. i mean i do, but i don't.
i knew it would be hard for him to see me interacting with other people and not him.
see me, absence makes my heart grow fonder.
he only misses me when he sees me. which is why i couldn't take it anymore.
but its funny how at this age i'm realizing that things are what they are.
just because its hard on him right now does not mean he wants to be in a relationship with me.
things will be hard. he lost his best friend. a person he loves is not in his life like she used to be.
i just think sometimes we twist things to seem the way we want them to, instead of the way they really are.
"fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need." lauryn hill said it. so true.
i guess sometimes i just don't think all of this is real.
some days i have peace because really, i just think that someday we will be back in a relationship again.
maybe when i'm content with myself.
and when he's content with himself.
and when we are stronger and older and he's found the desire to commit to something. something as crazy and beautiful as love.
or, maybe he won't. maybe it will take too long. maybe we will both grow, but on separate branches. in different trees even. or maybe even in a completely different forest from one another. and that would be our lives. living completely apart. and that would be okay. right now i don't like the idea. but it would be okay.
we have one life to live. really. one life. i just want to choose wisely how and with whom i spend it.
Lord give me the grace to make wise decisions. i hate them sometimes.
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| good old xanga. how i've missed you...
i really think that my 20's are gonna some be some of the best and worst years of my life.
i am seriously on a rollercoaster.
i can either blame it on my period, boys, or just realize that it might come with the territory of the 20's.
really all im doing is trying to figure out who i am and how i fit into this world.
especially now that im done with college.
what the hell am i doing?
i seriously feel like the most selfish person in the world right now.
i'm not getting outside myself at all.
but i've been doing that the past 4 years and i just might have some catching up to do.
maybe i need some me time.
is that okay?
love for me has ended. i always thought that once love started, it would stay forever.
i guess not.
or maybe it wasn't reaaal love. right thats it.
i miss him all the time.
my heart aches about it and sometimes i get this urge to pretend life is a movie.
i want to drive to his house and throw rocks at his window because i know he wouldn't do it for me.
i want to yell at him that i can't stop loving him even if i really wanted to.
i sometimes wish i hadn't spent so much time with him because i know separation would be easier.
but the memories go on for days. and months.
i hate sounding stupid like this.
i know you've heard it all before.
but its my reality. | | |
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